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2024.06.20
a box of letters I never delivered
a book of photos I called scrapbooking
(I just wanted to look through every image of you)
a folder of bookmarked posts, most about Yakuza
a playlist, or three, of songs that have something to do with you
a room that smells sort of musky, sort of like garlic
a bathtub that has pink mold in between the tiles
a sink with blue stains that climb up the mirror
a stovetop whose pot residue doesn't come off no matter how much multiuse cleaner we use
a 3d printer in a closet that's always busy
a trash can that's never empty that isn't sorted
a bottle of rain ex, probably still more than half full
2024.05.23
ray of gold, drop of sun
pierce through daydreamt musk
flare my lens magnolia and lilacs
sickly sweet, sweat to sheets
groggy wake and breath before
kiss me sweet and hold me tight
trail blazing, nape to neck
from satin, from cotton
2024.04.16
the fireworks, sky flowers—do you remember them?
I do, no more than I do you
not every day, but only when I see carnations,
a blood orange, or the red felt strip that protects my piano
the same colors that reflected off your eyes
the night we spent on the 13th floor of that silly hotel
above a crowd of friends and fiction
after a day of victories—first and second.
it was so loud. fanime was always loud
it was never too hard to focus on your voice
a gentle melody that cut through it all
you always loved rocks. all 76 of your rocks
but especially the one you kept in it's own special vial
an unassuming little mass of silver powder.
you refused to wear gold since it wasn't your color
I could argue the opposite.
do you remember the fireworks?
I could never forget them.
how you loved alkaline water, how you loved alkalinity
how you loved your bottled, silvery metal
and how all the fireworks that night
got your red from strontium
2024.03.15
sink helplessly into decandent bass
struck by hammers wavering heart and strings
, pulling
whispered through curtains of meshseeped melodies of sun, snow
glisten and dance laced in white daze
a daze under stars, the lune and movements split in thirds
for slumber and rest, we wane and I love you in between
number fingers, crest come on a slow ballad, hushed by wind
we fall to a hush as velvet curtains draw over an audience of none
the tides draw and crash,
dissonance
a blue melodies weeps over deep timbre that aches,
longs
perform for me
only for me
in an exchange of song and dance, step into glissando
your fluidity, wash me away
suds that pass the earth.
she drinks me away and I'll be gone
2024.02.10
i want a normal relationship with the world. i wish i looked at a puddle and thought only about jumping in it to have a good time and not also throwing people in with me so they'd have to experience whatever i did. i wish i could eat food normally without worry about gaining weight or looking a certain way. i wish i didn't cave so easily to stupid standards that people have for themselves and see that for myself. i wish i just talked to people normally, ask about their day and make normal comments and wish them good morning. i wish i weren't obsessive, nor do things that are inherently toxic. i wish i did not have bpd. i look online for help and i get hate. i "ask for help" in the wrong ways and get backlashed massively because ultimately my actions are hurtful. i'm not cognizant of what i do. i recognize that yes i am diagnosed with such an illness and as illnesses are i am crippled and this makes being alive and having friends very difficult, but it would be so much easier for me and people i talk to if i did not have this. im taking the small steps and effort to remedy this and become better, but i am so worried that there might be a relapse. i'm worries that even now, even if i'm being more intentional, that this may be the downfall and that there is no hope. i'm worried that i'm striving for the wrong goal anyways. even here, in my solitude, i am unable to fully express myself and again i succumb to shared intentionality. i lose myself to arbitrary words and definitions and phrases that make no sense at what my mind beholds. and its not like whats in my mind matters so much in the grand scheme of thing. there's only so much i can explain with minimal context that comes from who i am and without it i feek even more stripped of my humanity. i want to apologize to everyone, for not thinking the same, for not knowing the same, and above all for not recognizing the same. i am sorry that it took me a whole childhood, adolescence, and even adulthood to even begin to really connect the dots--connect hana to the world. i'm not quite there yet, but in the end i want to be a hana that doesn't hurt people. i'd like to be more aware of my actions and how it makes other people feel. i need to learn to validate emotions and recognize emotions and how are presented and what they mean. i need to reidentify all that is significant to me. i do think it may be for the best that i remain appendicular to the group. i have come to terms with the fact that i need to remain away from the core, where words and thoughts and ideas matter a lot more, to the point that i being unable to express myself should not remain there. its for the better! i was raised by a different set of morals actions and ideas so as a result i simply did not see what was seen of me. i should not expect everyone to be so forgiving nor want to be so open as to accept someone like me. this is a lot to ask of anyone. on the other hand i am helplessly falling in love again, this time with an obnoxious hint of anxiety. in seeing myself in the same ditch as many many times before, i feel like i've gone back, far beyond square one. i feel so wrong and out of place. but even as i regress and become less and less human, even as i feel bothering and worrisome, like a saint, i always get to turn to the one same person. and i love him again and again for this, but obviously not solely this. even as he struggles with self identity, academics and career, the expectations of many, and the social presence of ever growinf circles, he prevails. i admire him so much. i admire him so much.... i want nothing more than to have him for myself more often than i wish i did, but i am even more happy to see that him and everyone is enjoying one anothers presence. i've been doing it before, but now even more than ever i enjoy living vicariously through others
2024.01.16
i lose myself in oceans of you past the middle of the light, face lit by lovers that i imagine you and i as in years future and i lose myself more in you now without me and i can’t imagine where i’d be because i’m shackled by you who keeps me from moving when the world turns and i can’t decide if i should stay alive or not but i love you so i should but i wonder if ultimately that would do me more harm than anything
2023.06.01
thinking about ryan nelson.. first day of high school and i see a familiar face! how comforting..
we’d walk from physics, second period, every day after we knew we both had our breaks entirely vacant—reserved now for one another. mutual snack time became planned lunched became hand holding became hiding out in the music building past closing..
“sorry if my jacket smells like dog, i played with my dog and was in the rain for a bit, i hope it keeps you warm though.”
first valentine’s day comes around and you remember exactly where i sit in my first period spanish class.
thanks for the strawberries—my favorite—and the chocolates—another favorite. mint chocolate!
it’s like you paid attention to every little detail about me.
“that’s not how you make a phone call!”
“i closed the phone app but it’s still there, haha”
you always looked in my direction.. i thought i was being sneaky, you knew i was taking a photo from across the classroom..
i miss walking every where with you. walking you home, getting walked home. finding new places.. finding new clubs.
i wished i spoke more, told you that i wanted to share my boba after your bottle’s band broke and the glass shattered.. you could have had mine.
wish i told you how soft you looked, instead of you always telling me that. wish i told you that i loved you more often.. wish i’d just say that i wanted to see you…. i mean, you knew, but even then…
ah i just remembered matching for middle school uniform day haha.. that one was funny.
i miss you… i miss you. i miss running across fields, running track with you. having our hearts pound like crazy and then fall into grass that was dry most of the time and breathing so damn hard. one person limping at a time, the other supporting..
trying to play piano as you’d bend my neck back to kiss me, and my hands’d freeze. you telling me how addicting i was.. me saying the same.. kissing you all over and saying how much i liked you..
making our little coffee projects.
ah, right, the first day we reconnected.. we talked about baking.
“let’s bake for each other.”
“ok!”
i brought my cookies the next day and so did you.. i sat in front of you—since of course—so i turned around really fast and placed my cookies on your desk, now your cookies. i could hear you laughing and smiling a bit to yourself, feel you tap on my shoulder, and present your cookies—white chocolate macadamia, still my favorite. i stuttered a thank you, fuck i was so awkward! and turned back to the front of the class. the paper i’d used to wrap my cookies was so damn loud, i could hear as you opened the whole damn thing, “ooh” ing and “ahh” ing. god! and then you had one and just wouldn’t shut up about how good they were. i recall how hot my face was that day. i rode the high, asking every day after if you’d liked the cookies i’d made—m&ms, your favorite—and you’d always said yes.
hiding out in gardens and closets to draw one another.. even though you swore you couldn’t draw… i only cared that we did it together.
and biking up the sierra hill together to watch the sunset every other week while holding hands..
two track captains together and :) just.. happy.
i miss you often! if only i’d told you more often. if only..!
2022.11.12
i’m losing your scent to the sheets i wrap myself in at night, who just as eagerly lap up your body, mimicking you and teasing me of your presence
- something about strawberries? or mustard or bread or mayonnaise on toast
2022.10.17
i love you
ay, with more than a million reasons behind it
i wonder if you’d understand what i mean
when i can’t even explain something as simple
as the meaning of “exacerbate”
i love you
i say, hoping to fulfill some more of this meaning
through kisses that i try my best
the channel just how large i feel for you
hopelessly, i’ll litter your face with sloppy kisses
because you tell me they make you feel loved
i love you
you’d respond, and i’d be okay if it was out of courtesy
but then you’d tell me so many other things
that will cause my mind to churn and sob and wonder
if you love me as much as
i love you
i’d say, with nothing but my whole being
it seems you’ve occupied all of my conscience:
in mind, body, and spirit
i don’t even believe in god
i love you
more than i can begin to explain
can i put into words the colors that explode from my soul when i look at you?
it’s more than all the flowers that have ever bloomed on earth
the feeling floods my body and i’m suspended in emotion
i love you
more than i love hair that grows out simply because someone mentioned not needing a haircut in passing
more than the smell of head and shoulders 2 in 1 with dandruff prevention
more than green, saturated pants
more than denim aprons in the summer
more than baja blast and taco bell diablo sauce for the first time
more than collared shirts because necks look naked without something there
i love you
the words flit across my mind over and over again
as you tell me about me, about you, about me
about us, all in some silly filipino accent
and all i can do it stare in admiration as you laugh at how funny you are
because you are funny
2022.07.02
it feels like dawn should break anytime soon. i’ve scrolled through the endless abyss that grants time travel, but it seems to be broken this morning. i am trapped here with no escape, knowing there is nothing i can take from this dreamscape. what do i make of the incessant thoughts? unwanted company ever berating me with ideas of being absolutely ruined—to be ravaged like a toy. i want merely to exist on any plane but human. i can indulge in the three digit dance. however, my secret passage is one that my identity even refuses. i know that i am repulsed by such actions, but tonight i need to be quenched. my mind has served to bivouac these foreign thoughts several soirées now, and what better finale than to go out with a blow, but i leave tonight yet another anticlimactic settling. i’ll leave my thoughts for another night. now, i go out to cvs, fearing my life and craving a deep slumber. tomorrow might be the day.
2022.06.04
my departure would leave but a whole in my own chest
or an unhallowed slice that knows no boundaries
because i’m not left handed
but you shouldn’t suspect my self-righteous suicide
your denial favors a homicide to take to the news
something to create a spectacle of your child
because your agape loves her with no bounds
but they’re not your child, for you’ve deprived them of nourishment
their body will go, following suit behind their mind and heart
and you? your unfamiliarity protects you
and that’s fine; it’s funny
what’s 19 years given but 19 weeks of context
through in-cohesion and mangled thoughts
you find sand that slips between string seekers
there is no upward trend
