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a box of letters I never delivered

a book of photos I called scrapbooking

(I just wanted to look through every image of you)

a folder of bookmarked posts, most about Yakuza

a playlist, or three, of songs that have something to do with you

a room that smells sort of musky, sort of like garlic

a bathtub that has pink mold in between the tiles

a sink with blue stains that climb up the mirror

a stovetop whose pot residue doesn't come off no matter how much multiuse cleaner we use

a 3d printer in a closet that's always busy

a trash can that's never empty that isn't sorted

a bottle of rain ex, probably still more than half full

ray of gold, drop of sun

pierce through daydreamt musk

flare my lens magnolia and lilacs

sickly sweet, sweat to sheets

groggy wake and breath before

kiss me sweet and hold me tight

trail blazing, nape to neck

from satin, from cotton

the fireworks, sky flowers—do you remember them?

I do, no more than I do you

not every day, but only when I see carnations,

a blood orange, or the red felt strip that protects my piano

the same colors that reflected off your eyes

the night we spent on the 13th floor of that silly hotel

above a crowd of friends and fiction

after a day of victories—first and second.

it was so loud. fanime was always loud

it was never too hard to focus on your voice

a gentle melody that cut through it all

you always loved rocks. all 76 of your rocks

but especially the one you kept in it's own special vial

an unassuming little mass of silver powder.

you refused to wear gold since it wasn't your color

I could argue the opposite.

do you remember the fireworks?

I could never forget them.

how you loved alkaline water, how you loved alkalinity

how you loved your bottled, silvery metal

and how all the fireworks that night

got your red from strontium

helplessly swallowed by bass

hammers striking string and heart

pulling, plucking, tucking, tearing

whispered through curtains of meshseeped melodies of sun, snow

glisten and dance laced in white daze

a daze under stars, the lune and movements split in thirds

for slumber and rest, we wane and I love you in between

number fingers, crest come on a slow ballad, hushed by wind

we fall to a hush as velvet curtains draw over an audience of none

the tides draw and crash,

dissonance

a blue melodies weeps over deep timbre that aches,

longs

perform for me

only for me

in an exchange of song and dance, step into glissando

your fluidity, wash me away

suds that pass the earth.

she drinks me away and I'll be gone

i lose myself in oceans of you past the middle of the light, face lit by lovers that i imagine you and i as in years future and i lose myself more in you now without me and i can’t imagine where i’d be because i’m shackled by you who keeps me from moving when the world turns and i can’t decide if i should stay alive or not but i love you so i should but i wonder if ultimately that would do me more harm than anything

i’m losing your scent to the sheets i wrap myself in at night, who just as eagerly lap up your body, mimicking you and teasing me of your presence

- something about strawberries? or mustard or bread or mayonnaise on toast

i love you

ay, with more than a million reasons behind it

i wonder if you’d understand what i mean

when i can’t even explain something as simple

as the meaning of “exacerbate”

i love you

i say, hoping to fulfill some more of this meaning

through kisses that i try my best

the channel just how large i feel for you

hopelessly, i’ll litter your face with sloppy kisses

because you tell me they make you feel loved

i love you

you’d respond, and i’d be okay if it was out of courtesy

but then you’d tell me so many other things

that will cause my mind to churn and sob and wonder

if you love me as much as

i love you

i’d say, with nothing but my whole being

it seems you’ve occupied all of my conscience:

in mind, body, and spirit

i don’t even believe in god

i love you

more than i can begin to explain

can i put into words the colors that explode from my soul when i look at you?

it’s more than all the flowers that have ever bloomed on earth

the feeling floods my body and i’m suspended in emotion

i love you

more than i love hair that grows out simply because someone mentioned not needing a haircut in passing

more than the smell of head and shoulders 2 in 1 with dandruff prevention

more than green, saturated pants

more than denim aprons in the summer

more than baja blast and taco bell diablo sauce for the first time

more than collared shirts because necks look naked without something there

i love you

the words flit across my mind over and over again

as you tell me about me, about you, about me

about us, all in some silly filipino accent

and all i can do it stare in admiration as you laugh at how funny you are

because you are funny

my departure would leave but a whole in my own chest

or an unhallowed slice that knows no boundaries

because i’m not left handed

but you shouldn’t suspect my self-righteous suicide

your denial favors a homicide to take to the news

something to create a spectacle of your child

because your agape loves her with no bounds

but they’re not your child, for you’ve deprived them of nourishment

their body will go, following suit behind their mind and heart

and you? your unfamiliarity protects you

and that’s fine; it’s funny

what’s 19 years given but 19 weeks of context

through in-cohesion and mangled thoughts

you find sand that slips between string seekers

there is no upward trend